Dec. 20th, 2007

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Bryan's grandmother, Anne, is dying. We're trying our damnedest to get to Asheville before she passes. Of course, if we go there, once she goes, we have to drive back to Mobile. If she doesn't, then I won't get to spend any of Christmas with my family.

I don't begrudge her or any of his family. I mean, I totally understand wanting to be there when she dies. I wanted to be there for both of my grandparents. It just seems like everything is coming crashing down on me all at once. I spent so much time making these plans, and its come to nothing. I'm sick as a dog. I'm starting my period in a couple of days (we'll be traveling. Fun, huh?) And now Bry's Grandma is dying, and I don't know what to do. He's so upset because he's not there with her, and its worse because I'm not with him when its all going down. He's going through so much, and I'm being selfish.

I'm upset about my plans not working out. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. Everything hinges on whether or not she makes it through the night. If she dies tonight, we're staying here, because this is where the funeral will be. If she makes it, we drive to Asheville. If we don't get to come back here, we have to arrange to have all our unopened presents sent to Cali.

Of course, on top of all this is my own grief about Anne. She is the most amazing person. On my wedding day, she gave me one of her nicest pieces of jewelry to wear, and when I tried to give it back after the wedding, she wouldn't take it. Even though she's in her eighties, she has the strongest singing voice. She loves old gospel songs, and she'll sing them at the top of her lungs. She can hardly see at all, but she loves to play rook. She's good at it, too. Until this past year, you would never know her age to talk to her. She has energy and vigor to spare. Anne has faith, and it is unshakable. I love her dearly, and I'm going to miss her more than I would have thought possible.

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sylvan_shadows

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